Friday, April 22, 2022

Singing my way through depression!

Singing in an open mic night on my bday in 2019
Sing, O heavens; and be joyful, O earth; and break forth into singing, O mountains: for the LORD hath comforted his people, and will have mercy upon his afflicted. ~ Isaiah 49:13

As I'm headed back into the studio to record new music, I'm reflecting on my journey in the last five years. Whew -where do I begin? It was the hardest five years of my life. Not only due to circumstances but emotions associated with the circumstances. I was deeply depressed to say the least. I have gone through so many moods and feelings.

While my son was in the NICU for four months, I endured sadness, anxiety, anger, aggravation, heartbreak and intense worry. It was no joke! My heart goes out to parents with babies in the NICU till this day and I will always remember my experience. Of course mine was even more difficult when you add my separation to the equation. I decided to part ways with my spouse at a time I felt most alone. It was scary but necessary. Leaving the hospital with my tiny survivor was a huge blessing yet I was filled with apprehension. I'm going home with this little guy who still has a long way to go health wise and I was going through a divorce. My son had countless appointments and hospital visits as he continued to develop. Meanwhile, I was receiving threatening messages from his dad who's control over my life overshadowed the concern for his child. 

I didn't take the time to grieve my divorce. I just got it done! I wanted him gone. He meant me no good and I was through with trying because I couldn't be married to myself. I was done crying. I left all the anguish in that room at the Ronald McDonald House where I cried myself to sleep many many nights longing for my mate to console me. I let it all go and put my focus on what was most important - the baby! He's only a year old and mom has full custody because she's taking care of him solo without any child support. Thank God for my parents, brothers and dearest friends. I also kept in touch with other preemie moms and NICU nurses who were very supportive. Although depression weighed me down, counseling helped along with my faith in God and awesome support from awesome people.

My ex-husband started stalking me during the pandemic. As if life wasn't tough enough with a kid on disability, missing work and unable to create music the way I enjoyed anymore. Oh and to mention, I've been celibate for five years now. Although my ex has accused me of being a whore with a disease and attempted to damage my reputation by spreading lies to everyone on my social media friend's list (some of these people don't even know me personally, so imagine what they're thinking?!) It hurt deeply. I'm a mom just seeking peace and hoping to find myself again but this guy won't let me live. I am convinced that he and satan made a pact to watch me kill myself. The more distraught I got, the more he enjoyed attacking me. In court, when he finally showed up, he had the nerve to say "sorry" as if he accidentally stepped on my foot in a crowd or something. The judge knew it was just words with no meaning so she made it clear that he must stay away from me (no calls, no texts, no gifts, no flowers, no mention of my name on social media or he was going to jail). He pleaded guilty to cyberstalking. What other choice did he have with the stacks of harassing printouts the district attorney was holding?! It was so much vile stuff printed that it filled up two notebooks. This man lost his mind or just wants me dead because words hurt and can trigger emotions that'll lead some to suicide. Maybe he's coward enough to try and kill me himself (who knows?) or sitting back waiting for me to kill myself because of his relentless harassment. However, God has breathed new life into me and the devil lost the battle! I rebuke thee in the Name of JESUS and taking my power back!!!!!

I'm no longer FRAGILE! I recorded and released a single in 2021 entitled "Fragile" to purge myself of all the turmoil that came with my divorce and filing restraining orders. I meant my vows just as much as I meant getting out of that con of a marriage. Thank GOD it's over! I forgive him and I wish him well. I just want him to leave me alone and go on with his life. He's free to do whatever he wants. I don't need anything from him. He can take care! (*Note: if you or anyone you know is experiencing domestic violence and need help, please call 800-799-7233 or your local police dept to file a report. Don't just take it, get help!) 

Singing my way through depression! Depression is a journey not a destination. You can move past being depressed when you finally tap into your source of happiness. My happiness has always been writing or creating music. Yes, my son is my greatest joy but music is another love of mine. It's okay to have a love life! God is love and His love opens the door to true happiness. "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." ~ Matthew 6:33 Stop trying to figure it out on your own and seek the love of God. The devil is a liar and will get inside your head to make you feel like you have no one... but that's not true! You are loved! You are valued! There are many rooting for you to win! "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6 Whatever brings a smile to your face or light a fire in you, tap into those things and enjoy life again. It's never too late to fulfill a dream, go for it! Sing, love, praise, dance, laugh, play, create, hug, give, bless and hope your way through depression! But please don't just give in to those feelings of being stuck in the rut that you're in. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." You are so much more than you know, and inside of you is vigor, life and possibility that has yet to be discovered. I know it hurts but there is hope, peace and unconditional love. "Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." ~ John 14:27

Jesus loves you and so do I! Don't be afraid to talk to someone. There is help! Call a friend, a pastor, a family member or 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you want to reach out to someone anonymously, it's okay! You're also welcomed to write me at for encouragement. I'm here and will fervently pray for you. Please take care of you! There is only one of you! You beautiful soul you, you do deserve happiness! God bless you and may heaven smile upon you ❤

No comments:

Post a Comment