Some things I hated hearing people say when my son was in the NICU!

When I was a new mommy to a micro preemie baby, the journey itself was super tough. In fact, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Yet, as arduous as it was, people would make some of the most insensitive comments ever! Although it made me angry, all I could do was pray for them. Hopefully this article will shed some light on what NOT to say to a preemie/NICU parent.

"You think motherhood is easy now but wait till you take him home." 

First of all, motherhood is not easy for a preemie mom. My baby is in the intensive care unit. He was born too early and at any given moment anything can go from bad to worse. You can't hold your baby when they're born and you certainly can't take them home right away, so to make a comment like this is super insensitive. It's hurtful because a mother wants nothing more than to the mom, she's imagined herself to be. When your baby is born too soon, you're taken on an emotional roller coaster ride of uncertainty. Every single day you're praying your baby survives. Now how is that easy?

"You have the nurses babysitting your baby."

Nurses aren't babysitters. They are healthcare professionals. They may assist with basic care activities like changing diapers and feeding, but their primary role is to provide skilled nursing care focused on a patient's health and well-being. He may be a baby but still a patient. A patient who needs around the clock care and treatment. Babies in the NICU are sick with various diagnoses. Even some have tube feedings because they may not be able to suck or swallow well enough to bottle or breastfeed. Oral medicines can also be given through the tube. So, to tell a preemie or NICU parent that their baby or babies are being babysat by nurses is not a joke. It's hurtful beyond words because a parent would rather have their newborn at home than in the intensive care unit facing medical crises on the daily. What's wrong with people?

"Your baby is just in there till he gains some weight. He'll be home soon!" 

So, you're the doctor? You've never had a preemie, so how do you know? My son's weight was only half the battle. The real fight was him trying to breathe through underdeveloped lungs. While we prayed for the hemorrhaging on his tiny brain to be managed, and hoping his congenital heart defect doesn't cause heart failure or infection. If all he needed to do was gain weight, the NICU experience would not have been an experience at all. There wouldn't be an ordeal to be strong through and no reason for fear or anxiety. Really? Again, it's insensitive and why not just ask instead of spewing out assumptions?

"I told you my friend had a preemie, so your baby is going to be just fine like my friend's."

Thank you for your generalization. While you think it's encouraging, it's not. My baby just had a blood transfusion, and I need your support not generalizing. As parents we all remain hopeful, but our babies are individuals with their own individual needs and health challenges. I'm so happy your friend's baby is doing wonderfully. Yet, it doesn't help me because I'm worried that my little bundle may not even make it through the night. 

"All you did was have a baby. It's no reason for all that drama."

I went through postpartum depression, and needed counseling, prayer and the laying of hands, okay. Unless you've experienced the neonatal intensive care unit for yourself, I can't describe the emotions fully. So, yes, I became a bona fide drama queen and rightly so. I went through a period of just crying every single day. Not only did I give birth to a miracle, but I'm also a miracle. I nearly loss my life during childbirth. It was traumatic because I stopped breathing quite a few times. Instead of giving birth in labor and delivery, I had my son in ICU holding on to one amazing nurse, while pushing hard as I could and breathing through a nasal cannula. Both mom and baby almost perished that day. So yeah, it's a reason for all the drama. I will continue to share my story to bring awareness to premature births and push for the reduction in black maternal mortality. 

"She waited too late in life to have a kid."

 I had a baby at the age of forty not ninety. God looked after Sarah in the bible, so why not me? My pregnancy was high risk not a disaster. It was a blessing to become pregnant with the child I thought I'd never have. I developed gestational diabetes while pregnant. Although I followed my doctor's orders by staying off my feet as much as possible, my amniotic sac still ruptured at only twenty-six weeks gestation. Hey, life happens unpredictably. I guess nothing ever happens to people who can't relate and refuse to understand your dilemma. Although I was forty years old, I was the oldest mom with a baby in the NICU at the time my son arrived. Some grandparents were actually in my age group. So, while I'm not sure if age was a factor in my pre-term delivery or not. It was never stated by medical professionals to be the ultimate reason. So, to my former in-law that made that hurtful comment while visiting me and my child in ICU...bite me! You've never faced infertility, had a sick child, nor are you medically trained to give any type of prognosis so just shut up!

"It's alright, you can just have more kids."

This was by far the worse comment I heard ever. Not even said by a relative but a member of the hospital office staff. It wasn't said to me but to a mom who had just loss her baby in the neonatal intensive care unit after a lengthy battle. Boy I wonder how some people can sleep at night. How can someone just say anything from their mouth? I mean thinking before speaking is a real thing that most should exercise for real. Not only was that beyond hurtful, but it was also ignorant to say. A mom just held her baby for the last time. She's not thinking about another kid right now. We don't even know if she has other children or able to have more children or not. We don't know her business at all, except the fact that she's grieving right now. Grieving the loss of her baby that was oh so special and meant the world to her. A baby that could never be replaced even if she had ten more. How about, "I'm so sorry for your loss"? or just be quiet! My goodness didn't anyone in your life teach you that if you don't have anything nice to say then shut your trap! People will be mean, but I let her have it that day for all the moms I'd seen grieving. I pray for all mothers and fathers who are still mourning the loss of their precious babies that fought vigorously hard. They are beautiful forever angels now. Rest in peace to the moms who brought babies into the world but didn't get the chance to be the world to them. 🌸

My heart goes out to parents with little ones currently in the neonatal intensive care unit. I also pray for their support and the healthcare professionals working tirelessly and effortlessly to ensure the well-being of all. Thank you for being amazing you! I pray your babies continue to thrive and survive! May God bless you and may heaven smile upon you.

Love,

Ebony